i wish i didn't have to watch my dad die a little more every day.
i know it's selfish, but the man who took another man's seed and raised her as his own is dying. the only man who has never disappointed me, the only PERSON who has encouraged me no matter what a fuck-up i was. the man who told me when i was giving birth, and i didn't believe i could do it anymore, he is the one who told me i could. he is leaving me. he is the only one in my family who loves me for who i am, and he won't be here anymore. my heart is feeling a loss that i cannot describe. i wish he could go quickly, instead of dragging it out. i wish my dad knew how much i love him.
and, my entire family is falling apart, and all i can do is pick my dad up off the floor and lie to him about how it's going to get better.
it's not. it won't.
this will be his last birthday, and i can't even admit it to myself, but he knows it.
if there is a god, s/he has no mercy.
i get married today.
this is exactly how i want it, and i don't want some stupid fuss, where people are forced to enjoy something private between two people. how lame.
i'm pretty excited, although, nothing is going to change in our relationship. i don't really understand the archaic idea behind it, and why all of my married friends are mostly miserable. but, then, i keep having to reinforce the idea that they were miserable to begin with. it's just a piece of paper, i guess.
my ring is perfect for me. it's a mint green emerald, which brings the lols, because shawn aced the ring! no one cares about this stuff but me, haha.
this summer is going to be filled with gardening, food, family, and introducing emery to all that is columbus, ohio in the summer.
my best friend in high school, brian adkins was murdered in ethiopia this weekend. he was the vice consul to the ambassador of ethiopia; he was dead two days before they found him. they only found him (i'm assuming) because he didn't get on his fligh to rwanda. his family was told on the morning of his twenty-sixth birthday. the world is a crappier place with him not in it. i can't express the emotions that i'm feeling right now, and can't wrap my head around what his family must be going through. the loss is unspeakable.
brian went to college for six years, six years of the hardest work, the most dedicated work ethic. he died trying to make the world a better place, and my heart feels weak.
his family can't even know when they can have services for him, because his body won't reach the united states until saturday (an entire week after he was murdered), and won't be given to family until possibly wednesday. his mother will never be able to remember his birthday without thinking of his death.
i am honored to have known brian, whose funeral is being attended by friends from all over the world (poland, paris, india, nigeria ... ), including brian's boss, ambassador yamamoto. he is getting a military escort, and color guard. he is getting the respect that he deserves. hillary clinton's aid called to offer hillary's condolences, the president of ethiopia apologized to brian's family. i'm relieved that this is being treated like a big deal. relieved because brian was a big deal.
he will be missed immensely.
my mittens :[
i am a mess in this picture, i am also grabbing his butt (those are his two best friends from dc: robert and dennis).
If there is one single argument for being child-free, it's that children are horrible germ factories.
I have pink eye. I mean, seriously?
my birthday was really nice.
i haven't drank in a looooooong time, and i had four (FOUR) gin and tonics at dinner.
then, i made everyone go to this bar by my house which is the worst bar i've ever been to in my life, and it made me want to die. so i just drank myself into a coma.
people that drink drinks with tard-o names like, "MONGOLIAN MOTHERFUCKER" deserve what they get. why did i think that was a good idea? also, drinking jager and gin does not make for a nice night.
i made shawn take me home, i slept fully clothed on top of my bed, with my shoes still on/headband in tact.
woke up feeling ridiculous.
i'm pretty excited for this saturday, because my Victoria comes home for good! YEAH!
jamie's wedding reception was nice, save for feeling like a LOSER, standing next to moderately successful peers. but, to make myself feel better, i had to remember that they also own RENT soundtracks, and for that, they just got knocked down a thousand notches. i mean, rly? RENT.
i am so tired of giving people chances (in most cases, second chances) and having them fuck me over.
i'm better than you, i always have been. it's not a superiority complex, if it's true.
i should have listened to everyone when they expressed their shock to chelsea and i being friends.
i gave her the benefit of the doubt, and now i'm left looking like an ass.
thank you, for being everything i knew you really were, deep down.
you're disgusting, and i hope you get AIDS and die.
in other news, my birthday (straight b-day'n it!) is in like, a day. actually, two days, but whatever, today is over, anyway.
big plans. huuuge plans. dinner, and then, NOTHING! wamp wamp. maybe i can convince the five friends i have left (save for victoria, who's in cleveland, nursing her poor husband back to health) to go get some drinks with me, in a bar that doesn't have sticky floors, or traces of date-rape drugs on the dirty bar glasses.
my life = awesome.
i realized that today (emery is definitely a year and four months' old by now), that having a child is completely narcissistic. believing that you're a good enough person to pass along your values and beliefs to a child is unabashedly and unapologetically narcissistic.
and, while there's nothing i can do about it now, that is not the reason i had emery.
why did i have emery? to be able to show her what makes life enjoyable, for her to be what makes my life enjoyable. i may not have millions, but she will never want for anything.
I was just looking at my list of things I want to do this summer, and everything I am responsible for, I've nearly finished!
- Get Connor, Emery, Kol, Grace, Aidan together for a pool party not going to happen, they're busy, but emery swims every day!
- Finalize all of Jamie's wedding music (!!!! so excited !!!!)done and done!
- Finish the upper deck, and river rock fire pit!
- Finish reading all of Grandma Sheehy's cookbooks to pick out the recipes I want to keep on hand, and store the rest. definitely done!
- Visit Vicki's new house in Cleveland can't be done yet, she's always in columbus!
- Clobber Bobbie over it
- Take Emery to the zoo in her waste-of-money wagon hate the zoo, her father will take her next weekend!
- Have a garage sale/donate all of Emery's clothes/toys that she no longer wears/fits/plays with DONATED!
- Get Erin's baby shower stuff together DONEEEEE!
- Chicago! Very soon! August!
- Replant my window boxes with Zinnias fuck the window boxes, resurrect the peach lily
- Transplant my herbs from back window boxes to pots! DONE!
- Learn how to make a tres leches cake with Annie! Really, though. Jamie's sister knows how to make it.made it and it was DELICIOUS!
- Get my recipes together for Erin's baby shower DONE DONE!
- Paint bathroom, living room, and our bedroom ALMOST DONE!
- Write Ed letters in jail (HA, no really) I sent it, it got sent back! :]
- Hang light fixtures (New ceiling fan, can lights, bathroom fan, outside sconces) shawn's freakin' problem!
- Reorganize pantry, the way Vicki had it when she lived here, donate what is unnecessarydonated
- Babysitters Club Playdate with Leah and Lyla hopefully, this happens soon
- This is lame, but organize my iTunes, like Shawn's. His is so orderly, and has album artwork and everything. lame, nevermind
I liked the idea of Annie's list of Things she'd Like to Do During The Summer, so I'm doing one, too.
- Get Connor, Emery, Kol, Grace, Aidan together for a pool party
- Finalize all of Jamie's wedding music (!!!! so excited !!!!)
- Finish the upper deck, and river rock fire pit!
- Finish reading all of Grandma Sheehy's cookbooks to pick out the recipes I want to keep on hand, and store the rest.
- Visit Vicki's new house in Cleveland
- Clobber Bobbie
- Take Emery to the zoo in her waste-of-money wagon
- Have a garage sale/donate all of Emery's clothes/toys that she no longer wears/fits/plays with
- Get Erin's baby shower stuff together
- Chicago! Very soon!
- Replant my window boxes with Zinnias
- Transplant my herbs from back window boxes to pots!
- Learn how to make a tres leches cake with Annie! Really, though. Jamie's sister knows how to make it.
- Get my recipes together for Erin's baby shower
- Paint bathroom, living room, and our bedroom
- Write Ed letters in jail (HA, no really)
- Hang light fixtures (New ceiling fan, can lights, bathroom fan, outside sconces)
- Reorganize pantry, the way Vicki had it when she lived here, donate what is unnecessary
- Babysitters Club Playdate with Leah and Lyla
- This is lame, but organize my iTunes, like Shawn's. His is so orderly, and has album artwork and everything.
Annie if you start a book club, let me know. I want to join ...
That's all I can think of/is written on post its around the desk ...